The Psychic Class may be postponed due to unforeseen circumstances.
Tonight’s workshop, entitled ‘Living With Your Inner Child’ has been cancelled because the dog ate my homework and I have detention after school.
The Overcoming Failure workshop has been cancelled, again, due to lack of participants.
Unfortunately for you, the Coping With Personal Rejection Course is full. Sorry about that.
Sadly, this week’s Tantra Session is postponed. The instructor will not be coming. He is still suffering with groin strain and is not up for taking the session half-cocked.
The Dyslexia Worksop has bean canceled due to unforeskin circumcisions.
Unfortunately, the Plain-Speaking Workshop has been cancelled due to without prejudice notwithstanding confulated peturbations.
If anyone finds the class notes for the ‘Dealing with Loss’ Workshop, please hand them in.
The Workshop on Hypochondria will be postponed yet again due to possible illness.
The Foot Reflexology Programme has been held over as the instructor has his veruccas back.
No Zen Classes not held here every other Tuesday.
The ‘Decision Making Now’ course, starting next week or the week after, may or may not be cancelled/postponed. To be advised/announced shortly.
The ‘Urine Therapy’ Practitioner has not been able to come today. (He’s taking the piss again).
Communication and Harmony with Nick
Get in touch with your Inner Fish in these 40-minute swimming workshops with Nick.
These group swimming workshops include:
Swimming up and down
Swimming up and down in lanes
Advanced shoal swimming
Messing about in the water
Eating crisps with Nick
Personal Graphology Cheque Readings
In your own handwriting, write out your cheque for £500 payable to ‘Mysteries Ltd’ and we’ll read it for you.
(Unfortunately cheques cannot be returned)
Meditation By Post:
Are you too stressed or tired to meditate? Simply send £15 and we’ll meditate for you.
Warehouse Clearance Sale: 500 copies of best-selling book: ‘Clear Your Clutter’ must be sold.
Please note: We are no longer able to stock Red Tape.
The no-limit person is self-fulfilling; has great enthusiasm for himself, with no regrets or reservations. No time or need to be conceited. Recognises that love and respect come to the person who cultivates them; is genuinely loved and respected by all who can return his original openness to them; does not worry about others rejecting him.
The no-limit person seeks out the unknown and loves the mysterious. He welcomes change and will experiment with almost anything in life. He views failure as a part of the learning process. Success comes naturally in the fulfillment of life projects and practice at the things he deeply cares about.
The no-limit person pursues his own individual destiny by his own best internal lights. He feels every moment of life as one of free personal choice. He never wastes time blaming anyone for his own faults or the woes of the world. He depends on nobody else for his own identity or self-worth.
The no-limit person knows that worrying only inhibits performance, and he sees nothing in life to complain about. He never manipulates others with guilt or allows them to manipulate him. He has learned to avoid anxious thinking. Is as happy alone as with anyone else. Seeks out privacy. Cultivates the art of relaxation and recreation. Is expert at attaining total relaxation at will.
The no-limit person is mobilised rather than immobilised by anger. He ‘keeps his cool’ while fighting for a creative constructive solution. He is a pleasure to work with and be around. He goes with the flow rather than fighting life. He thinks, feels, and behaves as a self-master.
The no-limit person sees the past in terms of what it has taught him about how to live now, and the future as more present moments to be lived when they arrive. He lives exclusively and fully in the present moment. He is able to make peak experiences out of most all activities. He prefers not to have a ‘plan’ if possible, in order to make room for spontaneity.
The no-limit person pursues physical ‘superhealth’ with minimal reliance on doctors and pills, knowing it is all in his power to preserve and strengthen himself. He loves basic animal nature and is in awe of how beautifully his body functions. He exercises for the physical joy of it and appreciates aging as the universal medium of life and growth. He recognises that a sense of humour is vital to all aspects of life.
The no-limit person has no sense of ownership toward others with whom he is associated; recognises that the best way to lose anything is to try to hold too tightly to it; is virtually immune to jealousy; takes a cooperative approach toward thinking through any problem; is never upset by labels stuck on him or others; understands the truth in seeming opposites; takes joy in the successes of others and rejects the comparison/competition game as a whole. He has no specific heroes and recognises that for every famous hero there are millions of unsung heroes; sees a hero in everyone, but is too busy making his own contributions to live vicariously through anyone else. He places no positive value on conformity for its own sake and is able to get around petty rules and customs as easily and quietly as possible. He approaches others with pure, childlike honesty and always lets his own creative imagination loose in any situation, approaches everything in life from a creative point of view.
The no-limit person displays a strong sense of purpose in most or all areas of life. His holistic world-view allows him to see meaning everywhere. He is primarily motivated by higher human needs and values. His search for truth, beauty, justice and peace are always uppermost. He decides what pattern of growth he wants to pursue next for himself and lets others do the same. He is completely global in values and self-identification, and is able to take pride in local accomplishments when they contribute to the good of the community. He is intellectually motivated by his natural curiosity and instincts to seek the truth for himself in all possible life situations. He follows his own internal lights in all things, pursuing work that is meaningful to him rather than for external monetary rewards. He never measures anyone’s worth in terms of money. If he gets rich, it will be a by-product of pursuing his purpose. He sees the whole world as beautiful and wonderful and therefore has no limits to its varieties of beauty. He sees all people as intrinsically beautiful even if their actions or creations are not. He sees all life as sacred and all human lives as of equal worth. He believes war, violence, famine and plague can be eliminated if humanity chooses, and devotes his life to improving the lives of everyone and ending injustice.
Matthew Geffin 1998 (Copied word for word from some book by Dr.Wayne Dyer)
“I don’t really know what you mean”
“Enlightened Master Laurence Lynch looks like an ordinary bloke, and is”.
‘It’s only Five Pounds Productions’ proudly present an evening to forget:
You’re Only Here to Be Yourself
After nearly 30 years studying human nature, Laurence is ready to take you on a journey back to yourself.
Be part of this 45 minute seminar and you’ll never be the same again.
Guru LL has written countless books and been on several international TV and Radio stations teaching people about his way: ‘The ancient way of what was it?’
Order the following titles from your local bookstore:
1) Ceasar Salad is not for beginnners
2) I Love Jazz Me
3) 30% is too much Mat, it’s only a joke
4) Book IV – It’s not gonna get any better
5) Alcoholism – The Scenic Route
6) How to be a loud geazer.
You can’t afford not to go to this seminar. It’s only about £5 (Bill Gates – Cleethorpes)
I always consult Dr. Lynch before making any major decisions (Richard Branson – Lincoln)
Fuck it – why didn’t I ask him first (Peter Mandelson – Beirut)
His predictions have always been spot on (Nick Leeson – Shanghai)
The guy is equal to my first born, but hasn’t written any really big books yet (God – Theydon Bois)
Please find enclosed a map showing which plinthe the seminar will be held on, along with a gas bill proving that Guru LL is a normal bloke.
To be sure of your place on the next LL seminar, send £5 to:
It’s only about five pounds
5, Pound Lane
Admission: £5 / Concs: £5 / Students: £5 (each)
Some famous Guru LL quotes:
1) Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it
2) 99% of Lawyers gives the rest a bad name.
3) 26% of most statistics are made up on the spot.
4) You’re never going to get a girlfriend
5) I’ve got nothing against those gays – just don’t let me see them yeah.
Swami Deva Coconut’s mother, Mrs. Cherrypit, is gossiping to a friend outside the supermarket. You should see my boy, says Mrs. Cherrypit. He has taken up meditation. Really? replies her friend. That’s a pity, but I guess it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.
I have heard, there is a community in Australia which has only four members. Their names are Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.One day there is an important job to be done and Everybody is sure that Somebody will do it. Anybody could do it but Nobody does it. Somebody gets angry about that, because it is Everybody’s job. Everybody thinks that Anybody can do it but Nobody realises that Everybody won’t do it. It ends up that Everybody blames Somebody when Nobody does what Anybody could have done…
True Similarities between Lincoln and Kennedy
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Lincoln’s secretary, Kennedy, warned him not to go to the theatre.
Kennedy’s secretary, Lincoln, warned him not to go to Dallas.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
ARE YOU fed up of the stress and strain of Shopping on the Internet?
Already 99.5% of shopping is ‘actual’ and is set to double every year.
Help reduce traffic pollution by taking your purchases home with you.
Guaranteed Secure Connection and you get to ‘view’ and ‘touch’ the goods before purchase. Also try our unique ‘search’ option.
Customers are invited to ‘walk’ around our store, and State of the Art shopping baskets are provided.
Try interaction with another human being, it’s more PC. Avoid being part of the system by paying in cash.
All merchandise displayed in full 3-D and downloaded within minutes!
If you can see it and pick it up, yes we actually got it in stock.
You won’t receive any unsolicited pornography or e-junk when you scan through our Windows in 2000.
With our annual sales of £50,000, we are already only managing to lose £70 million per year. Amazin.
Mysteries – Now Age Centre – Psychic Readings – Books – Gifts – Crystals
Mysteries, 9-11 Monmouth Street, Covent Garden, London, WC2H 9DA
Telephone: 0207 240 3688 for a service provider
Actual e-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org
Also new is our ‘actual people’ telephone lines. No more Voice Mail, ‘you are tenth in the queue’ or ‘If you know the extension bla bla’. Simply dial 0207 240 3688 for a direct connection to a homo sapiens.
Be Original – Try Actual Shopping – You Know It Makes Sense
Be part of the future with:
NEW!! ACTUAL SHOPPING